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Going Loco down in addlestoneo? If you have a problem and no one else can help then s**t bro' you got it bad, only one more place to turn: mailto:coconutpete@pedrobananas.com

Dear Coconut Pete,

I desperately need your advice on my latest unfortunate problem! I stayed at a friend's house a while back after a party, all went well and the drinks were flowing. However after going to bed in the early hours of the morning I was rudely awoken by the girl whose house I was staying in with the words "what the hell are you doing"!! I had slept walked round the house and thought I was in the toilet where in fact I was only at the end of my bed and proceeded to go to the toilet!! Thankfully for me she got to me in time and I managed to make it to the loo! However I really don't want this to happen again and ask your advice as to what to do!?

Coconut Pete replies,

I am very glad that you avoided the humiliation of making a messy stain. Problems like this often occur because females mimic woodpeckers when they sleep and this has the effect of making one feel they need to relieve themselves. I suspect a deeper problem altogether however. On a subconscious level, wetting one self is a symptom of anal clamidydia. It is quite possible you do not have this condition, but I would visit your GP and ask for a thorough examination just to be on the safe side; furthermore, tell this girl she should get herself checked out also. Relationships can really suffer as a result of subliminal actions such as these but I always like to think that you should see the positive side of wetting yourself. For instance, kidney stones are clearly not a problem in this case. If your problems do persist, a catheter would be the obvious solution. Some people find these painful but I fully believe that not only would they give you added confidence, but they can also be fun. A last resort would be to try and fool your girlfriend if this ever happens again. Tell her "its love juice, you're so sexy". This will often work as it appeals to the female ego, however be warned, this works predominantly when one has scatted, not when they have wet themselves.

I am growing increasingly concerned about a friend of mine who is masquerading as Che Guevara, self proclaimed "leader of the banana revolution". I have heard through friends that he has received a very strong warning about future conduct at work after he tied a banana together with a couple of cox apples, donned a rambo headscarf, and went charging around his office abusing his female work colleagues. What can I say to make him face up to his problems whilst not jeopardising our friendship at the same time?

You must let your friend know in no uncertain terms that aiming sexual references at female work colleagues whilst using a banana and two cox apples is a sackable offence and he has got off lightly this time. Reason with him, tell him Che Guevara is dead and not working in PR in a city consultancy. If this fails, tell him to go and see his local GP. Work by Freud may also suggest this is his reaction to far deeper issues of an intimate nature.

I think that I have made a real blunder. I am a man in my mid twenties, slightly balding but my friends feel that I am a happy go lucky type of chap. Recently, I started my dream job in a top London firm; it finally seemed that I was receiving recognition for all the hard work that I had put in over the years. On only my second day in the job, I was invited to attend a company party in a top London restaurant and I viewed it as a really good opportunity to get to know some of my new colleagues on a social level. Everything was going well but before I knew it, I was really drunk. For some reason, I began singing "The Leader of the Gang" by Gary Glitter. My new Director looked decidedly unimpressed and labelled me "a retard" in front of everyone. Now at work, everyone does Joey Deacon impressions of me when they see me. My "dream job" has descended into hell, if I hear one more cry of "Here's Joey, Da" I think I am going to end it all. What makes it all the worst, there wasn't even a Karaoke machine at the event. I am so depressed.

Bullying in the workplace is a dreadful occurrence, but sadly, a common one. You have certainly not endeared yourself to your new company by bellowing out the signature tune of a known Paedophile on only your second day in a completely unsuitable environment. I would like you to suggest to your boss that you are not a 'mentally chanllenged person' and tell him that you will prove it. You can do this in a number of ways, but I would suggest that you volunteer both him and yourself to work with 'mentally challenged' people for the day. Use this opportunity by standing next to one of these people whilst pointing out the differences between yourself and the person, to your boss. If this fails to work, maybe a change of job would be the best for all parties.

I have recently gone up in the world by ending my job pushing flakes to young people and moving on to selling consumer electronic goods. However, no matter how hard I try I always look like I'm dressed up as a dustman or a 'homeless.' This lack of style is a constant joke among my friends, but day after day, joke after joke and this has now really started to affect my confidence and my nervous disposition has lead to other health complications, such as the inability to control my bowels. Please, can you give me advice on how I can start to dress to the position I now have in my new role, and help me win back my confidence.

Well haven't you got yourself in a silly mess (both in how you are feeling and the mess you keep making in your pants) and judging by the pictures you enclosed with your letter its very easy to see why you have become a target for friends and strangers alike. I suggest a complete style revamp by those gays from popular satellite TV programme "Queer eye for a straight guy." Having contacted them for you they have suggested that you go "less Luback" and "more macho" and have designed an outfit for you, see link below - this look will be perfect for your work in the hi-tech electronics firm and you will be the talk of the workplace for all the right reasons!